(set: $shame to 1)
(set: $hunger to 2)
(set: $visibility to 1)
(set: $defiance to 0)
Fat girls have rules.
They are not posted anywhere.
No handbook. No first day orientation. No induction ceremony.
You learn them in pieces.
In glances.
In hesitation.
In the hot embarrassment of realizing too late that a space was never made with your body in mind.
The fatter you are, the stricter the rules become.
By now, you know them without needing to say them aloud.
Do not draw attention.
Do not trust kindness.
Do not take up space.
Do not eat where people can see.
Do not let your body surprise anyone.
Your thoughts must be mean before anyone else gets the chance.
You push open the coffee shop door and begin, automatically, to [[calculate.]]
The small shop is full of groups of people laughing and talking with each other.
One group of young women to your left are all wearing carefully curated pastel Lululemon sets. They appear to have just come from their morning workout at the gym down the road.
Behind them, teenagers are taking photos for their Instagrams, commenting on the beautiful aesthetic of this particular location.
To your right, there appears to be a meeting taking place between several colleagues. They've set up a row of tables taking up the majority of the right side of the cafe.
Other guests sprinkle the small space as they enjoy their coffees, colorful pastries, and warm sandwiches.
You quickly scan the environment for seating options.
You are already calculating how noticeable you are.
[[Small table between teenagers and young women->Seat Teens]]
[[Push past the row of tables for the meeting->Seat Meeting]]
[[Open booth next to the perfectly Instagrammable photo backdrop->Seat Booth]](set: $visibility to $visibility + 1)
(set: $shame to $shame + 1)
You move toward the small table.
It is closer than it looked from the door.
The teenagers are still taking photos.
The women next to them glance over now and then between conversations.
You sit.
The chair feels louder than it should.
(if: $visibility >= 1)[
You feel immediately visible here.
]
One of the teenagers adjusts her phone slightly.
Was that to include you?
Or avoid you?
A burst of laughter rises from the table beside you.
You don’t know if it has anything to do with you.
You remember the rule: Your thoughts must be mean before anyone else gets the chance.
You assume it does.
You are suddenly aware that you haven’t ordered anything yet.
[[Go to the counter->Order]](set: $visibility to $visibility + 2)
(set: $shame to $shame + 2)
You move toward the row of tables.
There is less space than you expected.
Chairs pushed back just slightly.
Bags tucked under feet.
People leaning in toward each other in conversation.
You slow down.
You could turn around.
You don’t.
There is someone sitting at the end of the table.
They would have to stand up for you to get through.
(if: $shame >= 2)[
Rule: Do not inconvenience anyone.
]
(if: $visibility >= 2)[
You are aware of how noticeable this will be.
]
You stop beside them.
You have to say something.
What do you do?
[[Ask them to move]]
[[Turn around and leave]](set: $visibility to $visibility + 2)
(set: $defiance to $defiance + 1)
The booth is open.
Which feels like luck.
Until you realize where it is.
Right beside the backdrop the teenagers were just using for photos.
The lighting is better here.
Cleaner. Brighter.
Designed to be seen.
You slow down as you approach.
Your eyes move automatically.
The width of the table.
The fixed distance of the seats.
The space between them.
You picture yourself sitting.
You picture yourself trying to get out.
Rule: Always survey how your body will fit in public spaces.
You hesitate.
You could choose something else.
You don’t.
You turn and begin to sit.
There is a moment where you are not sure if you will fit comfortably.
Or at all.
You adjust.
Shift slightly.
Pull yourself in.
It works.
But not without effort.
(set: $visibility to $visibility + 1)
(if: $visibility >= 2)[
You are aware of how visible this spot is.
Anyone taking a photo here would include you.
]
(if: $defiance >= 1)[
Still, you stay.
]
Rule: Do not let your body surprise anyone.
You place your things down carefully.
Trying not to take up more space than necessary.
You are here now.
You haven’t ordered anything yet.
[[Go to the counter->Order]]You step up to the counter.
The line is short.
That should make this easier.
It doesn’t.
The menu is right in front of you.
Clear. Simple. Familiar.
Coffee.
Pastries.
Sandwiches.
Nothing complicated.
(if: $hunger >= 2)[
You are hungry.
Hungrier than you want to admit.
]
You are aware of your body standing here.
Of how long you are taking.
Of the people behind you.
Of the person waiting for your order.
(if: $visibility >= 2)[
You feel like this moment is more noticeable than it should be.
]
(if: $shame >= 3)[
Rule: Do not eat in public.
Especially not something people can judge.
]
“What can I get started for you?”
It is your turn.
What do you order?
[[Just a coffee]]
[[Cofee and a pastry]]
[[Nothing]](set: $shame to $shame + 1)
You turn around and head back to the door to choose from the seat between the gym girls and the teens or at the Instagram ready background booth.
Neither option sounds good.
But it isn't worse than drawing attention to the fact you cant slide past.
You must remember the rules.
[[Seat Teens]]
[[Seat Booth]]
(set: $visibility to $visibility + 1)
You ask them if they can move so you can get through.
It comes out quieter than you intended.
There is a pause.
Not long. Just long enough to feel it.
They look up at you.
"Oh—yeah, of course."
They push their chair back and stand.
The space opens.
Wider than it needs to be.
Other people at the table shift slightly without looking at you directly.
Or maybe they do, and you just miss it.
You move through.
Careful. Controlled.
Trying not to touch anything.
Trying not to take up more space than necessary.
(set: $visibility to $visibility + 1)
(if: $visibility >= 3)[
You feel it now—
how visible that moment was.
]
(if: $shame >= 3)[
Rule: You are taking up too much space.
You always are.
]
You reach your seat.
You sit down quickly.
The chair makes more noise than you want it to.
You adjust yourself once. Then again.
Then stop.
You don’t want to draw more attention.
(if: $shame >= 4)[
You replay the moment immediately.
The pause.
The way they looked at you.
The space they made.
]
You are here now.
You haven’t ordered anything yet.
You look back to the group. They've adjusted the table so there is room to pass but now they're sat so much closer to each other.
You've been an inconvienence to them. So you must order something to make it worth something.
[[Go to the counter->Order]](set: $hunger to $hunger - 1)
(set: $shame to $shame + 1)
[(set: $hunger to $hunger - 2)
(set: $visibility to $visibility + 1)
(set: $defiance to $defiance + 1)(set: $hunger to $hunger + 1)
(set: $shame to $shame + 1)